Everything started well this morning at my 6 a.m. workout, even though the circuit was rather staggering. I did regular sit-ups today as part of my regimen and it made me feel good even though it was painful by the end. Burpees were also back on the list today, but I didn't complain and just did them to the best of my ability. As I left, the trainer made his usual joke of "see you back at noon Karen" since the crossfit gym seems to have become my second home over these past few weeks. The remainder of my morning went rather smoothly as well. And by 10:45 I was out the door to work at an event this afternoon.
As we all have experienced, at times when someone says something to you that is not what you are prepared to hear, it is similar to punch in the gut. Well today, as I arrived at my event, I saw someone that I have not seen in about a month. She knew that I was working on losing weight as we had discussed it the last time we were together. Today she asked me if I was still working on my diet. Perhaps this should not have been seen by me as some great tragedy that she had asked such a thing. However, as the myriad of thoughts began to role into my mind once the comment was made, it was all down hill from there.
First I thought about how I must still look exactly the same as the last time she saw me. Then I thought about how even though my jeans were much looser when I put them on today, I must just be fooling myself to think that 16 lbs is worth much compared to all that I still have to lose. And as I continued down the road of despair, the thoughts became worse and worse. Why am I doing this anyway? I really don't want to be in pain anymore. And eating healthy really is for the birds. I couldn't be more tired of eating healthy if I tried. I know that I will never reach a healthy weight no matter how determined I am, so why even bother with it all anymore? I was totally defeated, worse than I have ever been in the last six weeks of my journey.
When I told my husband of today's events and the many thoughts that I had, he reminded me that the lady has only met me one time. Furthermore, she most likely didn't study my body that much on the first occasion that we met and probably remembered more of our conversation than the state of my physique. The more I listened, the more I realized he was right. Of course, this was after I had beat myself into the ground for the last four hours. So besides the mental anguish that I put myself through, it was also rather taxing on my emotions and I now feel physically wore out.
So I guess this post will go down as one of those like my friend Barbara calls, "not all smelly good stickers and happy faces". I want to succeed, but I also want greater results. I want to be thin and healthy, but I want in the speed of light kind of way. Wouldn't it be nice if life was like Star Trek and I could just tell Scotty to beam all of weight off of me? Last crossfit class for the week tomorrow. It will be kickboxing and it will be brutal.