After going to bed last night around 1:00 AM, I was so very tired this morning when the alarm went off at 5:00 I considered skipping crossfit today altogether. Yet instead of deeming my day a "Kobayashi Maru" along with some encouragement from my husband, I bit the bullet and went anyway. I think it was my hardest workout EVER. I am sure that the lack of sleep effected my performance. However, even if I would have had more sleep, I am sure the workout would still have been deemed harder than ever before. And the best news about the workout - I did it with NO modifications making this my most excellent workout ever.
Of course, before I left, I had to weigh. After all, today is the illustrious "weigh day". I stepped on the scale keeping my goals in mind from last night; do not cry, do not yell at my husband, and do not lose heart if the worst happens. I slowly looked down at the number with my tired eyes. I couldn't believe it! Five pounds lost for last week making this my most paramount week to date! For the first time since I started, I thought to myself, "this is what it would feel like if I had made it on the Biggest Loser". It was one of the best feelings I have ever had.
I also started a new book today. Usually, I just read at night to help settle down before going to sleep. However, today I was taking it a little easier due to my lack of sleep and read some during the day. The book is a biography and in the first chapter the man talks about quitting his drinking habit. It had become out of control. After his wife asked him "when was the last day you didn't have drink", he knew it was time to quit as he could not remember when that day was. He describes how his wife had heard him say that he was going to quit so many times before, but never stuck with it. Yet this time there was a change inside of him that made the difference and he has remained sober.
I wondered about my family throughout my lifetime. How many times have they heard me say, "I am going to lose weight" and after a few weeks or months my determination faded because there was not internal change when it came to my weight loss approach. Weight loss before had always been for someone other than myself. Over and over my mind had learned, "if I lose weight then this person will love me more, accept me better or finally realize that I am the woman of his dreams". It was never just for me because I wanted to feel better about myself and be a better wife/mom to my family, it was because I wanted to be loved more by someone who did accept me in my present condition.
Yet now, I have reached that place. The place of doing things for me because I am SO worth it. I am worth the time away from my family to exercise and exercise hard to be healthy. I am worth the extra money it cost to buy good food instead of junk to eat. I am worth the additional money that we will have to add to our clothing budget as I lose weight and can no longer fit into my current wardrobe. I am worth the time imposed on my husband to watch all four of our kids without me to accomplish these things. Before six weeks ago, I wasn't convinced that I was worth any of these things. Everyone was more important than Karen. No more. Yes, my family still is very important. However, I am important too. I am worth it.