One week from today, my class will be getting together for our twenty year high school reunion in Atlanta. However, I will not be going. In fact, I have not been to a reunion since our five year reunion in 1996. Sure, I would love seeing my old friends from those days. After all, it has been so fun reconnecting with many of them and getting to know others better from the wonderful little thing we call facebook. In fact, one of the girls that I didn't really know at all in high school and have become friends with over the past couple of years through facebook, even emailed me today to see if I would be there. Yes, money has been much tighter for us these past couple of years too. But the honest reason I am not going is, I really just don't want people to see what I have become.
I know. I know. People can view pictures of me on facebook and see what I look like today. Now they can even read my blog and know how big I have turned out to be. Yet somehow walking into a reunion with all of my classmates seems to be a lot different than them just looking at a picture or reading about it on a computer. And because I am so very concerned about what people might say or think, I will miss another reunion and plan again on attending the next time around. What is so outrageous about all of this is, that if I went around and asked everyone attending my reunion next week, the truth of the matter is they are probably more concerned about what they look like than what I look like. The even scarier thought is maybe the one's who remember me from high school, but have not seen me in a very long time, expect me to look this way because of how I looked when we were in school together. I guess I won't know until I see them in another five years.
Why am I so afraid? I thought for sure by the time I was this age, I would be over what people thought about me. I wouldn't care if I had their approval or not. I would just be happy with me and who cares what they think. Yet none of those statements are true. I do care. I do care if I am accepted and that people think nice things about me. Yes, it would be nice if next weekend could be like the "Shallow Hal" movie and everyone who was truly beautiful inside would be shown to be beautiful outside as well. However, life is not a movie. People do judge a book by its cover.
Unfortunately, I have no nice resolve to offer. No sweet words to make it all better. Nothing grandiose to say that shows how I have overcome my appearance issues. I just really felt like I needed to be real about this today. And hopefully, it will serve as part of my healing once I share it as so many of my other post have. Please don't get me wrong, I have a lot of wonderful people in my class that would never be hateful or mean. Right now, I guess I just don't have it in me to face the few that would be.