Perhaps the reason for this great achievement was due to another great achievement I had today. I conquered another fear. How many fears do I have? It turns out, quite a few. Today's concerned lifting the max weight. I haven't ever fallen backwards when lifting weights before in my grand total of three weeks trying. Yet in my mind, I have envisioned the fall backwards several times. It would be the Neste plunge with no Neste to cushion my fall. However, the more times I lifted, starting out with low weight and moving higher, the more comfortable I became. Yes, I am very conscious of what I am doing when there is weight over my head, but no longer overcome with fear that it will come toppling down on my head as I was when I started this morning.
Now if I could only get over the "great fear". You know what I am talking about - weigh day. The day in my mind that still defines my week more than anything else I accomplish. I hope this will someday change and I will no longer be concerned about a zero pound loss for the week or even worse, a weight gain. However, I have not made it there.
Every Tuesday night as I lie down, I almost feel like I need a sedative for my mind to calm down thinking about all of the "what if's" that could happen the next day depending on the what the scale says back to me. As if I were the evil stepmother in Snow White asking the mirror if I am "the fairest of them all" and then if the scale dare answers back "no", I throw it across the bathroom in full force as it goes flying out my bathroom window crashing to ground and breaking into a million pieces. Fortunately, I am not a violent person, but I have visualized it all the same.
So my small goals tomorrow before I head out to my 6 AM workout:
- Not to cry no matter what the scale says.
- Not to yell at my husband about what the scale says.
- Remember that if the worst does happen, I am still making a difference in my health and one day I will be the skinny girl I envision.
And until that moment tomorrow morning, I will meditate on Isaiah 26:4 (The Message) - Depend on God and keep at it because in the Lord God you have a sure thing.