Seven pounds. The amount of weight that I should have lost by today to be on track for my 100 lb weight loss in 118 days. Instead the scale only reflected a three pound loss in weight. My husband cheered for me. I simply said, "It should have been more". Yes, weighing in today was the absolute worst time of the month to have to look at the scale. However, it is more than that.
I realized today after getting off the scale that no matter what I do or how hard I try or in this case, how much weight I lose, I don't know if I will ever feel like it is good enough. And that my friends is a much larger issue than the work it takes to lose weight. While there have been cravings this past week and shopping in the grocery store has not been the easiest and muscles have been very sore at times, as I post each day I am finding for me this is more of an emotional battle than an eating and exercise battle.
I thought about when I weighed 115 lbs today. Yes people, once upon a time I weighed 115 lbs. I was in the 7th grade and the same height as I am today. However, most of the other girls in my class weighed more like 90 lbs or 100 lbs. And when I compared myself to them, they would have been like Ally Sheedy or Demi Moore in St. Elmo's Fire and I would have been the girl played by Mare Winningham. Mare Winningham wasn't completely unfortunate in the movie, she just wasn't as pretty or as thin as Ally Sheedy and Demi Moore.
I know. I know. You shouldn't compare yourself with others. But let's face it, I do. My mind says I need to be happy no matter what the scales says. That I should be pleased that I am going down the right road now. That I should reflect on what I have accomplished this past week and that bring me peace. Easier said than done. And there will always be "that girl". You know the one. That girl who is smarter, funnier, skinnier, prettier, etc. I have to learn now, in the beginning of weight loss, to think differently and believe the truth. The truth that I am good enough. Otherwise, when I finally do lose all the weight I want, I won't be happy there either. I will fall apart when I see "that girl".
So how do I get there? How do I get past this awful mindset that no matter what I do is good enough? I make a choice. Like everything else in life, I have the power to choose. The Bible says in Deuteronomy 30:19 (Message) "I place before you Life and Death, Blessing and Curse. Choose life so that you and your children will live". [And some of you thought that Wham t-shirt that said "Choose Life" on it was something George Michael made up. ;) ] The choosing part is easy. The follow through is hard. But with God's help I know that "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." I can choose life. I can choose that I am good enough.