Brutal. If I could pick one word to describe me working out today, that would be it. It wasn't as dreadful as the very first day I exercised in over two years 13 days ago, but I believe it could be closely related to about day three of my new beginning of exercise. I almost fell twice and I had to start four to five different exercises over again because it took me two or three times just to do it correctly. Before "Cookiegate" took place yesterday, I had already decided to take a day off from any exercise, even cardio, for the first time since I started. After today, I believe that I need to go back to my original mindset that I have been on break for a very long time and now is the time to get to it. And as I got to it with my eating and exercise routine again, I thought about what this day will be like for me next year.
My youngest daughter will be a year old in a few weeks. I envisioned next year with her when she will almost be two. At that time, she will probably start forming some memories. Fortunately, I won't be at this same state next year. She will never remember me as an overweight mother and the only way she will ever know that is by pictures we have taken prior to now. She won't know that it was ever difficult for me to lift her at times and take her up the stairs to her room. Her memory will never be of a mommy that couldn't get down on the floor and play with her. I am hoping that some of that will be true for my three year old and five year old too.
Unfortunately, for my eight year old, I believe that ship has already sailed and he will remember me the way I am today. It grieves me to think of that and know that my mistakes have caused me to miss out on moments that I can never get back. Luckily, my little boy forgives me. I know this because I have asked him too. He is also one of my biggest cheerleaders. Each afternoon or evening when I am working out, he always comes and checks on me to make sure I have enough water to drink. He always ask me how my workout is going. And more than once, he has stayed with me for a while and exercised with me. He has been the mirror imagine of what the Bible speaks about in 2 Corinthians 2:7-8 (Message) - Now is the time to forgive this man and help him back on his feet. If all you do is pour on the guilt, you could very well drown him in it. My counsel now is to pour on the love.
Yes, I have screwed up in my past and made very poor choices. Yes, I am still sad at times, but I am moving forward. Thankfully, there is forgiveness. Thankfully, I can remember my past, but it will not be my future. My little boy has poured on love to me. He has forgiven me and helped me to accomplish what I am doing now. When days are hard and I don't want to keep going, I can think of the love my little boy has given me and chose to love myself and my family enough to continue.