Why? Why does it always seem that when you start out to do something really great for yourself before you know it, it seems all is on a collision course for disaster?
Two days ago, I listed some really great goals for myself this year. And even though the goals are challenging and will take work, I know they are all doable. I know I can lose 100 lbs in a year. I know I can choose to eat right. I know that I can make healthiness a habit and not something foreign or abnormal to my daily routine.
Yet I woke up to a very sick husband yet again today, which means no help with children. Which then means: no opportunity to go to my CrossFit class, less of an opportunity to prepare meals that I am not used to making, and more of an opportunity to make excuses and be in a terrible mood because I have failed to meet my goals once again.
Several weeks ago, I started a new office job. It has been a little over five years since I have worked outside the home and over eight years since I have worked in an office. On the first day of work, I sat across from a lady who very politely asked me if I smoked when it was time for her to go and take her break as she was going to invite me go along. "No, I am not.", I said back to her nicely. However, in my mind I thought, "No, I am not. I am an eater."
I know this is no revelation. All you have to do is look at me and you will know that I like to eat. However, this time when I thought it, I realized that it was part of my identity. I like to eat. In fact, I love to eat. There is no lack of good foods out there to consume. I wish I was one of the people in the world that just eats when they are hungry. Or even someone who doesn't really like to eat at all and only eats in order to survive. However, I am not. I am an eater.
And as I considered this more and more, I wondered - Will this EVER change? Is it a change that I can make in me? Or is there some portion of my brain that is wired this way and I will always be addicted to eating food? Should I be checked into a hospital for treatment just as people who suffer with anorexia or bulimia do? After all, I am killing myself very quietly and very slowly from being and remaining a morbidly obese woman.
In the last few years, I have heard news reports stating that some studies now indicate that obesity is a disease and not something that can be controlled. However, on the other side of the coin there are doctors who won't even hardly take time to help overweight people because after all, the overweight person made themselves fat. And as I consider both of these choices, I don't like either one of them. Frankly, if I had to make a choice, I like the latter better because after all, I am the captian of my own ship. But do I deserve to be treated as some sub-human because I have made bad choices over and over and can't seem to get control?
Unfortunately, I do not know the answers to all of my many questions. Perhaps I will never change. Perhaps I will always be a fat mama. But perhaps I will. Perhaps I will be thin and healthy and full of life for myself and my family. And that is what I cling too. The thought that one day I will be able to not think about food for 75% of my waking hours. One day making the right choice regarding food will be my easiest choice of the day. And one day, it will be my pleasure to head out the door and go run a 5K just for fun. When? I am not sure. But stayed tuned because I believe I will find them.
Romans 8:31 (New American Standard Bible) - What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who is against us?